Jim Henson Ruined My Childhood & I Should Be Entitled to Financial Compensation!

Jim Henson was a creepy dude first and an actor, puppeteer, animator, and film-maker second.

You probably know him as the creator of The Muppets and Fraggle Rock, as well as the director of both Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal. He was also involved in Sesame street where he helped develop muppet abominations, er, characters.

He also is the cause of my Pupaphobia.

He is a creator of nightmares, cold sweats, and feelings of general anxiety.

I remember so clearly the first time I realized that I had a phobia of puppets.

I was sitting on the floor of my little cousin’s bedroom minding my own beezwax watching Sesame Street sometime in the late 90s.

Snuffleupagus entered from the right singing some funky ass ‘oooga oooga woooga’ song. 

Our eyes met through the tv screen and a cold sensation washed over me.

A heavy, dizzy feeling in the back of my head became a cold chill starting at my crown and ended somewhere in my guts. I felt unsafe, uncomfortable, and like I could shit my pants a little.

My mouth watered the way it does before you projectile vomit and miss the toilet.

I don’t remember exactly what happened next, but I know I voiced my concern surrounding my impending, inevitable death at the hands of Jim Henson’s fucking nightmare fuel.’ 

As a child it’s hard to wrap your brain around the fact that something on the TV isn’t real and can’t hurt you. Hell, I still stay alert at all times. You never know what’s lurking in dark corners, alleyways, and garbage cans. 

It’s silly as hell, irrational, and I’ve only met MAYBE two other people with this phobia. I get it, it’s a fringe one. 

Muppets are the worst. To this day. I’m 36 years old and still shiver when my friends jokingly send me a picture of the fucking fireys from The Labyrinth to harass me.

Those pieces of shit are near the top for me. Even David Bowie as the Goblin King gives me the heebie jeebies.

I tried to watch Labyrinth last night, and the second Jennifer Connely hit the maze and the little troll dude showed up, I noped out and went to bed, thankfully none of my vivid dreams involved puppets. 

Pupaphobia is rare, which is surprising and deeply disturbing to me. How do you people  watch the Muppets, Alf, and Fraggle Rock without getting anxiety induced diarrhea?

Seriously.

Nothing horrible happened to me as a child involving muppets or animatronics.
I've done a lot of wondering about why the fuck, and nothing specific (aside from Snuffleupagus) seems to be the culprit. He’s imaginary, huge, and it takes two fucking puppeteers to portray him. Absolutely the fuck NOT.

According to Wikipedia, the original Snuffleupagus puppet was skinny and sunken with bulging green and yellow eyes. He was originally depressed and had a sad voice. This appearance was frightening to younger children so his eyes and personality were changed. 

THE MONSTROSITY THAT TRAUMATIZED ME AS A CHILD WAS THE ‘LESS SCARY’ VERSION? (bad news, I looked up the original puppet and I’ve about McFuckin HAD IT.)

My fear is extended to animatronics, furries, and mascots for obvious fucking reasons. (this could fall under automotonophobia, which is the fear of humanoid robots, and more freaky shit designed to look like humans.

Remembering trying to eat pizza with Charles Entertainment Cheese slinking from child to child still fills me with despair. I had undiagnosed ADHD as a child, I could just get up and run off and no one would think twice…and that’s what I would do when that rat bastard would get too close to me.

Same goes for mascots too. My dudes, the next Zodiac Killer could be hiding in that Powerball suit. They could be rapists, murderers, weirdos…dudes who drive Teslas! You don’t KNOW, and I’m not ok with that.

Even those lifesize T-rex costumes are a red flag.

I dealt with this through my childhood and did my best to appease my mother, smiling with the grotesque Easter Bunny at the town egg hunt. I’m sure there were more instances in which I braved other creepy, costumed abominations, but thankfully my brain has done me a solid and blocked them out.

When I was 18 in Seattle, I was doing what all 18 year olds do in Seattle: gravity bong rips over a friend’s bathroom sink. 
One of the friend’s roommates was a big movie buff and had an in-home projector he set up for me because they were going to play music and I was busy melting. 

I sat down, and started to become the couch. I was asked if I’d ever seen the Dark Crystal. I had not. This was clearly unacceptable, and the movie begun. I had no idea what it was about, but sweet baby rays, was I in for a rude awakening lasting one hour and 33 earthbound minutes.

I don’t even remember a single thing about the movie, and I will not be watching it again.

I remember the weed paralysis setting in just as it was too late to abort mission.

My heart was racing, and the muscles in my butthole felt tired from clenching for so long.

That experience further traumatized me.

I’ve learned to handle it, mostly, but I was at an event last spring and some man dressed in a Big Foot costume showed up so I had to take a bathroom break as soon as he entered my line of vision. He was way too tall.

I prefer to avoid eyecontact with anyone in a full body suit. If I’m at an event with a mascot, I will walk a good 50 yard circle around them to avoid any interaction. Not today satan, I don’t want them to even acknowledge my existence, let alone try to hug me or some shit.

When I’m outside alone and I get the feeling that I’m being watched, I don’t think about murderers or animals that could eat me, I think of a muppet popping up from the backside of the fence. (just typing that sent a chill down my spine)

I don’t like the way those creepy little fucks move, man. They flop around. It’s so humanoid yet so unnatural. I don’t like that I can see their puppet strings. I absolutely hate that there’s a grown man controlling Snuffleupagus’ ass end. A WHOLE GROWN MAN JUST FOR THE ASS. I HATE IT HERE!

I’m even uncomfortable when I can see the person who is controlling the puppet, because I just KNOW that they’re a weirdo.

While this is a somewhat embarrassing phobia to have, at least muppets, mascots, and animatronics are easy to avoid. It’s not like they just hang out everywher in everyday life. Thank GOD. 

I did watch 5 Nights at Freddy’s last night though (for science) and survived. Not my favorite, and I only jumped 10 times and grabbed my emotional support Brandon thrice. Not my worst.

For now, they can’t physically hurt me, but you never know what the world’s next Jim Henson is going to come up with.

I hope I’m not around to see it.

I’ve seen more than enough.

When I tell people about this fear, I always let them know that it is 100% understandable and acceptable to make fun of me. I get it. It’s dumb as hell. Please laugh with me. If I don’t laugh I’ll get paranoid that Cookie Monster is somewhere watching from a dark corner.