Devil Vagina Magic

That’s what she called her ability to manipulate men.

To get whatever she wanted.  Money, attention, admiration, double high nostril piercings, et cetera, et cetera. 

Devil Vagina Magic. 

I wish I would have opened my eyes to the fact that she is not a good person sooner, but I guess this is what I get for trusting a clown. 

She always joked about being a ‘psycho’, and I assumed it was just her holding on to that teenage juggalo nonsense that she was so into for years. (yes she put me in clown makeup in my teens, yes I am deeply ashamed. Please don't woop woop at me, I'm sensitive.)

She was actually being crystal fucking clear in telling me exactly who she truly was, and unfortunately, I was blindly ignorant.

I let the fucking devil walk into my home, invited.

I opened the door, cooked her a meal, let her sleep in my spare bedroom.

I always thought I could sniff out the bullshit. I never considered myself a victim, or someone that was easily fooled. 

Then I realized that my best friend is very likely a covert narcissist who was trying to ruin my life. Possibly for many years.

(of course, I’m not a psychologist, but scroll to the bottom for an unnerving list that I believe sums her up quite accurately.)

After studying, analyzing, overthinking, and wasting way too much energy on the situation, I came to the conclusion that she wanted something I had.

This is a common theme with narcissists. They are incredibly jealous and tend to be painfully competitive. They always expect the best for themselves.

In my case, I moved somewhere that she liked. She couldn’t move, and therefore I didn’t deserve to.

I’ll never have all the answers, and this is the most closure I will get, because narcissists are incapable of recognizing their faults and flaws. Even if I explained all of this to her with powerpoints and peer reviewed papers written by top psychologists, she still wouldn’t get it or agree, and would likely tell anyone who would listen, that I'm the insane one.  I’m unstable, toxic, or worse. 

Hell, I would be shocked if she hasn’t done so already. 

Unluckily for any of ya'll toxic asses reading this, my trauma makes me hotter, funnier, and a better, more interesting writer. (joking, please stop fucking traumatizing me, christ.)

At the end of the day, I may not be the best judge of people, but I’m really good at talking oodles and oodles of shit. I'm a god damn professional at talking shit to heal the deep darkies that reside in the back corners of my mind. If you fuck with me, I'm gonna write about it, and it'll likely hurt your feelings. Not my problem. DGAF. Get bent, Patricia. 

I am here, and finally in the right headspace to put this out there because it really tested the very fucking fibers of my mental health. It tested my ability to let go, my ability to heal and to trust people, especially other women.

It took a long time for me to feel clean.

Being used and manipulated by a narcissist is filthy and damaging. It is a massive overstep of every boundary you think you have secured firmly in place. It’s an invasion of privacy and it truly fucks with your head in ways that nothing else will. It made me feel crazy, doubt myself, and even question my own memories and reality at times.

It could also very fucking easily happen to you if you don’t know what warning signs to look for. 

According to Dr. Googs (google) and psychiatry.org, between .5 and 5% of the world’s population exhibits traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Covert narcissists are harder to spot than the classic grandiose or malignant types (think Donald Trump). They are introverted, quiet, tend to play the victim, and their actions are slow, but violently calculated and viciously intentional. They’re fucking professionals and it can be quite subtle, until they get desperate, then all bets are off.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a cluster B disorder, in the same group as Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder (more commonly known as sociopathy). Cluster B disorders are a group of mental conditions characterized by erratic, impulsive, and dramatic behaviors, often stemming from childhood trauma.

Narcissists have an unending, all encompassing, fucking obsession and focus with their own self-importance. I imagine that, to them, their own shit and farts smell like sweet fucking gardenias glistening in the dew on a warm, spring morning. (I still hold some hate in my heart, I'm human ok?)

They tend to have a gross sense of entitlement. They truly believe they are superior to others and deserve more than anyone else. They need constant admiration and attention to validate their existence. 

Despite this entitlement, most narcissists tend to have very fragile self-esteem, are insanely sensitive to rejection, and they depend on outside validation or ‘narcissistic supply’ to maintain their facade of greatness. Without this supply, they become dangerous, and potentially harmful, like a wounded animal biting its rescuer while caught in a trap.

Narcissists lack empathy. They can be manipulative liars who victim blame, tend to be shitty listeners, and have little to no give-a-fuck about the feelings of others. They often feel superior, and manipulate and exploit others for personal gain. 

(Note: I have to add that those with cluster B disorders can live normal lives and have normal relationships with treatment. Not all people under this umbrella are harmful.)

Narcissists are obsessed with power and success. They want money, status, and control. 

It’s not uncommon for them to struggle with maintaining relationships,  despite their deep fear of being abandoned or rejected.

That’s all a lot, I get it. Most people aren’t out to hurt you or take advantage of you, but it’s important to know what to look for.

My biggest piece of advice that I can offer is to trust your gut. If something feels off, it’s probably off. You can cut anyone out of your life for ANY reason. 

Narcissists don’t care about you. They care about what they can take from you. I paid half of her mortgage once because she ‘needed help.' She played the victim often, she played me too, and I let it happen.

She treated my house as her own. She didn’t ask to come over, or plan with me, but would send me a calendar with the dates in which she’d be coming. I don’t know why I didn’t say no.  

She was even considering saying in my town in a rental during the summers and I could play on the beach with her kid while she worked. She didn’t ask me. She told me.

She left personal belongings at my house.  Shower gel in my shower. A tee shirt in my dryer. 

This is a common tactic used by narcissists. They'll leave things at your house to remind you of them. They also do this as a 'hoovering' opportunity. Like a vacuum, the narcissist leaves things behind in your home, to later use as an excuse to 'suck' you back in. An excuse to reach back out after they leave you (or in my case, I cut her out). They often use this time to guilt-trip their victim into believing they've changed, or that they are sorry and deserve another chance.

We were off an on frenemies during childhood.

We reconnected in my mid 20’s. At the time, I was building my portfolio as a professional photographer, and I had something she wanted:  low cost family photos. 

This is how we rekindled our friendship, and she got a fuck ton of free sessions. 

We quickly became 'besties'. Or at least I became hers. She always said we’d been best friends for over 20 years which is untrue. In the grand scheme, I really have hated her for more time than I’ve liked her.

My narcissistic bestie would text me all day, most days. The conversations were mostly one sided, me validating her, supporting her, listening to her rip her exes and gush about her new flings. I never talked about myself because I was too busy listening.

Towards the end, I’d get heart palpitations when I heard my phone vibrate. I was exhausted, I felt crazy, and she was a constant topic, because even when she wasn’t here, it felt like she was. It was a lot. The only time she wasn’t texting me is when I’d gently challenge her about anything. She'd get upset and leave me alone for a day or two.

I would notice small lies all the time. Did she have veneers due to domestic violence or childhood dental problems? Which story was true?

This was another instance when you’d assume I’d figure it the fuck out…but no. Not yet. I brushed it off.

She loved bringing up the past. People we knew that I'd never remember, things we did that I'd never remember. It felt like a form of control, like perhaps she thought she could rewrite my memories of her. I didn't remember half the shit or people she talked about, and I believe this was intentional. 

Everything seemed to escalate when I moved to Washington. She had my full attention back home. I didn't have a ‘normal’ job, and any time she wanted to hang out, or needed something, I was available. Now that I was gone, she was alone. She 'joked' once that she couldn't believe I was leaving her. 

It didn't feel like a joke. I think she was genuinely angry. Not upset. Angry.

She visited as soon as the passes opened up after winter. It was fine. We had some drinks and explored my new town. Something still felt off.

She liked to gang up on me when others were around. Subtle jabs at me for being a 'shitty adult'...or I'm 'not a mom' so I wouldn't understand this or that. Subtle, but it always felt shitty.  This seemed to be happening more consistantly.

She behaved in ways that made it clear that she was extremely jealous when mutual friends would visit and she wasn’t my priority.

She thought she could manipulate me using her child, which is maybe the most unhinged part of everything.

I even believe she would text me from her daughter’s phone, pretending to be her.

It felt bad. And wrong. The tone wasn’t right, it wasn’t the kid. Was she testing my loyalty?

She also treated me like a co-parent. 

"do you think my kid could watch this movie"

"will you talk to my kid about this, I think it would mean more coming from you".

My siblings in Christ, I'm a lot of things, but I am not a fucking parent and I never will be because I don’t want to. 

I recieved a text after a particularly annoying week with her and it stopped me in my tracts. I believe it was the real catalyst to me removing her from my life completely. 

She said she had an epiphany that she was basically my platonic wife, and her kid’s extra parent. We’re besties!

And she is just my ‘psycho wife/girlfriend’.

(there's the 'psycho' thing again) 

Thank fucking god that she’s unhinged and thought that sending this was a good idea. I never gave her any reason to feel as thought I thought of her in whatever the fuck way this is.

Friendship shouldn’t be complicated and weird, and this felt complicated and real weird.

I finally realized something fishy as fuck was going on with her.

I told her that she made me uncomfortable and that I needed some space to find out why. I was firm, but not overly cunty or combative. Just give me space to think. I blocked her on socials, and didn't respond to her, or her kid’s texts.

She went red. Completely lost her absolute shit, which lead me in the right direction to really figure out what she is.

She exploded in the most classic, textbook way that only someone with a narcissistic injury would.

Need a tried and true way to find out if your friend or partner is a narcissist? Challenge them. Tell them no. Tell them they did something wrong, and wait for their reaction. It’s always telling.

A true, empathetic friend would have been hurt, but should always calmly and rationally accept a boundary from someone they love and respect. An over the top reaction is not healthy, nor is it normal.

She blamed me. Deflected and doubled down. She told me that despite whatever I was 'going through', she was not the problem. She called me toxic,  compared me to her abusive exes, and accused me of ignoring her while I was LITERALLY talking to her, because I blocked her on the internet. When I asked why I couldn’t have some space, she asked why she didn’t deserve an explanation. The explanation was clear, I was uncomfortable and wanted space to think without her inserted directly into my asshole.

It went on for days. Back and forth. She kept trying to get me to escalate. She almost got what she wanted.

Looking back now, it felt fucking good to respond the way I did. I gray rocked the absolute fucking shit out of her and I am proud of myself for that.

I’m not a very grey rock kinda girlie. I’m a bitch, and I’ve accepted it. I don’t go quietly into the night, I use my voice as my favorite weapon of mass destruction.

If you’re unfamiliar, gray rocking is a common method recommended for use against abusive people. Be uninteresting, disengaged, calm, and as boring as possible.

This technique works because people with narcissistic tendencies love to get a reaction out of you. To get under your skin. Refusing to give into this makes the interaction less rewarding for them.

I was short, straight forward, or ignored her altogether. 

She eventually stopped texting me. She has sent a couple messages since, her kid has reached out a few times…probably directed by her mother. I've either ignored them, or asked that they both delete my number and not contact me again. 

So far so good. Finally.

At some point in the midst of this stressful shitshow, I found out that my anarchist, feminist bestie is actually a registered republican.

She had molded herself into me so I would stay and keep providing the narcissistic supply she needed. I used to often wonder what else was completely fabricated, what else she made up in order to make herself seem like the perfect friend for me.

Covert narcissists hate themselves, no matter how confident they may seem, and they don't truly know who they are, so they will mold a mask from parts of you and others they find interesting, so they are liked, and can continue receiving the admiration, supply, and attention they need to feel like a valid person.

Having a very toxic, potentially dangerous, unstable person know where I live was concerning at times. Do I think she'd show up on my doorstep? I did at one point. But I don't anymore. That would be pathetic. Desperate. Traits that she hates. Words she doesn't want to be associated with.

You’ve just gotta heal before you speak, friends. 

I wasn't able to organize my thoughts and feelings before now, although I tried. It was too fresh.

Hell, this is my 2nd draft in two days because the first draft came across real ‘small-town cunt’. (I’m doing my best to erase that part of me, in the meantime, I’d appreciate just a little patience.)

This experience made me acutely aware of narcissistic behavior. I have, and will, ghost the fuck out of anyone who triggers the red flags for me. Without a second thought. I protect my space and I'm very picky with whom I share my true self.

I realized another person in my life had very narcissistic tendencies. They're gone. Blocked. Dead to me. I realized my former work client and his wife (read about that shit show here, and stay tuned for more on that story 😏) also exhibit extremely narcissistic behavior that I hadn’t picked up on initially. 

I had a few good breakdowns, wondering if I am just narcissist bait.

What am I doing so wrong to make these problematic, and quite frankly, dangerous, damaging people keep entering my life.

I spent a good 3 months crash coursing myself deep into narcissism, sociopathy, and more, research. Hours of videos, and articles. Anything I could find to make sense of what the fuck had happened to me. This shit really had me balls deep in the trenches of google, reddit, and youtube learning anything I could about covert narcissism. There’s nothing wrong with me, and there is nothing wrong with you if you’ve had a similar experience. Everyone wants friendship, and most of us don’t expect people to have evil and harmful intentions.

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder can vary, but these are some behaviors to be wary of. The red flags. 

And remember, many people can have self-centered tendencies, myself included, but this is far deeper and problematic than thinking you’re real cool, or taking too many selfies. That does NOT mean that you are a narcissist.

This experience has made me question myself and brought up my own concerns surrounding my love of attention and need to feel seen. I did a lot of deep diving into the waters of my own self-love, to make sure it was just that. After a good self check-in, I remembered that despite my love of the mirror, when I see my reflection, I see a person filled with love, empathy, and a passion for equality, not a narcissist.

Also, if you think you’re a narcissist or a sociopath, it’s highly likely that you are not.

According to the Mayo Clinic:

 People with the disorder can:

• Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.

(almost every conversation we had consisted of me validating her. She’d pry for compliments and praise often.)

• Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.

(she asked me if I thought someone would be willing to buy her an expensive house and let her make payments on it.)

• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.

(she fucking asked me if I thought she could be considered LGBTQIA on work forms. Maybe for DEI purposes, maybe just to stand out or seem ‘cool’. She is NOT queer.)

• Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.

(she would often go on and on and on for hours about all the great things her boss said about her in her work meetings.)

• Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.

• Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.

(she often seemed to think she was better than everyone.)

• Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.

• Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.

(I’ve never seen anyone make so many fundraisers for themself, and be upset if people called her out.)

• Take advantage of others to get what they want.

(Often, and with calculated precision.)

• Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.

(any time she knew I was anxious, she had a way to make it worse. It felt intentional, or at the least that she didn’t care.)

• Be envious of others and believe others envy them.

(she often said people were ‘just jealous’ of her)

• Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.

(all the time….)

• Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

(new cars, nails always done, a hefty Amazon habit, a fucking wine subscription, a big, new house in the suburbs, and more.)

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they view as criticism. 

They can:

• Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special recognition or treatment.

(rude to waitstaff because they forgot a drink during a very busy night. Angry post after someone challenged her about ANOTHER fundraiser)

• Have major problems interacting with others and easily feel slighted.

(she always said she hated people and was anti-social.)

• React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.

(she never had a problem getting in anyone’s face at any time, including cops)

• Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.

(this one should be blatantly clear.)

• Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.

• Withdraw from or avoid situations in which they might fail.

• Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.

• Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure.

I would consider my friend to check  most, if not all, of these bullet points.

Fucking god damn.

If you are dealing with this or have dealt with this, feel free to reach out, I was unfortunate having to live in this shitshow, but  I have learned so much, and I'm no longer afraid of her. It can be exhausting, mentally damaging, and traumatic. You are not alone. You can get through this. Writing this has been further healing, as well as liberating. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially people who feel ‘off’.

It's strange and isolating to know that someone you cared about doesn't care about you because they lack the ability to do so. Again, narcissists love what they can get from you, not you as a person, and that's a really shitty pill to swallow. 

Stay safe out there, and remember, if something feels off, it probably really fucking is.

Cutting toxic people out of your life is punk as fuck.

Cheers.